Jia Dao (779—843): Visiting the Absent Hermit
1 Beneath the pine-trees, I ask of a lad I see.
2 Away is the master gathering herbs, says he,
3 Up in this mountain, but where? I cannot tell,
4 For there the clouds are deep and dense as be.
Translated by Andrew W.F. Wong (Huang Hongfa) 譯者: 黃宏發
17 March 2008 (revised 19.3.08; 7.7.08; 17.7.08; 19.7.08; 21.11.08; 25.11.08; 26.11.08)
Translated from the original - 賈島: 尋隱者不遇
1 松下問童子
2 言師採藥去
3 只在此山中
4 雲深不知處
* This English rendition is in pentameter (5 metrical feet) to emulate the original 5-character lines. The rhyme scheme in the Chinese original is XAXA. My rendition changes it to the more demanding AAXA.
* Line 1: I have chosen “a lad” instead of “the lad” as the Chinese original merely says 童子(boy) which I take to mean a boy the poet happens to see there who, on reply, turns out to be the pupil/apprentice.
* Line 2: I have chosen “the master” instead of “my master”.
* Lines 3 and 4: I have moved the “know not” or “cannot tell” idea from line 4 of the original to line 3 in this English rendition.
Dear All, I have re-considered my rendition and have decided to revise it as follows:-
ReplyDelete1 Beneath the pines I ask of a lad I see.
2 Away is the master gathering herbs, says he.
3 Somewhere in the mountain, where? I cannot tell,
4 For there the clouds are deep and dense as be.
Andrew Wong
hi, andrew, may submit my rendition for your comments?
ReplyDeleteFailing to Find the Hermit Jia Dao (779-843)
Beneath the pine I asked a child;
Master had gone to find herbs wild.
Teacher was just in this mountain,
Somewhere deep in the clouds' fountain.
Dear Frank, I don't think "fountain" fits in. May I suggest an alternative following your interpretation and rhymes?
ReplyDelete* Beneath the pine, I asked of the child.
* "My master's gone for herbs grown wild,
* He should just be in the mountain there,
* Deep, way deep in the clouds somewhere."
Best wishes, Andrew Wong.
thanks very much, andrew.
ReplyDeletethis is very good! (--though i'm of course biased, being the father of the baby. my 'junior' version was done years ago very quickly and 'mountain and fountain' sounded convenient then; don't quite like that either, but don't have the will to fix that, until the present -- thanks to you, doctor of ailing verses.)
hi, andrew,
ReplyDeletei used [years ago] the term "the white clouds' fountain" in translating another tang poem [as follows]. if and when you have the time, would you be kind enough to advise if this is appropriate? thanks in advance. [and the red and orange canadian maple leaves in the fall in the mountains are truly breath-taking, as you will doubtless have witnessed.]
【山行】 杜牧
远上寒山石径斜， 白云生处有人家。
停车坐爱枫林晚， 霜叶红于二月花。
Mountain Trek Du Mu
Farther up the cold autumn mountain Winds a stony path slanting;
Deep inside the white clouds' fountain Faintly nest homes enchanting.
I stop my carriage, I sit, and admire
The fine maple woods in the evening hours.
The frozen leaves, with their crimson attire,
Are redder than the blooming March flowers.
frank
Might I humbly suggest an change of "in the mountain" to "on the mountain" or alternatively "in the mountains"? "In the mountain" (singular) suggests to me "inside a cave or similar inside the mountain", whereas with the "mountains" (plural) it conveys "anywhere on or in the mountain(s)".
ReplyDelete