Below is my rendition of Li Bai's "To Wang Lun" which is a beautiful friendship poem. You will notice that I have discarded the original rendition which was in couplets inconsistent with Tang poetry.
Li Bai (701—762): To Wang Lun
1 A boat I have boarded, Li Bai am I, and I’m all set to go,
2 When suddenly from on shore a din I hear, of stomping and singing I know.
3 The water in the Pool of Peach Blossoms is as deep as a thousand feet,
4 Deep not as the parting sentiments, to me, Wang Lun, you show.
Translated by Andrew W.F. Wong (Huang Hongfa) 譯者: 黃宏發
26 May 2007 (revised 27.5.07; 5.12.07; 13.12.07; 22.2.08)
Translated from the original - 李白: 贈汪倫
1 李白乘舟將欲行
2 忽聞岸上踏歌聲
3 桃花潭水深千尺
4 不及汪倫送我情
Notes:-
* This English rendition is in heptameter (7 metrical feet) to emulate the original 7-character lines. When reading it, I suggest accenting both “all” and set” in line 1 and “Deep” and “not” in line 4. The rhyme scheme is AAXA, more demanding than the original XAXA.
* Line 2: I am prepared to have “stomping and singing” replaced by “tapping and singing” if it can be said that the Chinese people in Tang dynasty, or at least Wang Lun, tap-danced. An alternative is “a dancing songster”, but I am satisfied with “stomping and singing”.
* Line 4: An alternative which I first penned on 26.5.07 is “Deep not as Wang Lun’s affection, your fond/warm adieu I meet”, but it turns the rhyme scheme into AABB which sounds great, but I prefer AAXA as classical Chinese quatrains (4-line verses) follow either AAXA or XAXA with a more or less mandatory "change" in the 3rd line.
Beautiful poem and translation. May I suggest though, that, the commas detract from the flow of the verse. Removing then entirely would allow the natural rhythm to emerge to the reader.
ReplyDeleteDear Lok, I am grateful to you for your kind suggestion, but some commas are still needed. May I have another go? as follows:-
ReplyDelete1 A boat I've boarded, Li Bai am I, and all set am I to go
2 When suddenly from on shore a din I hear of stomping and singing I know.
3 The water in the Pool of Peach Blossoms is as deep as a thousand feet,
4 Deep not as the parting sentiments, Wang Lun, to me you show.
Best wishes, Andrew Wong.
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ReplyDelete